The Infernal Holly Bush
by Jedi Arwen Sparrow Winchester
Summary: Gollum accidently gets teleported to the North Pole and meets Santa Claus. Santa happens to have need of a delivery boy...Crack! Fic, please read and review!


**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gollum or anyone else in this story.**

**A/N: Yes, I know it's nowhere near Christmas, but I got a prompt from a friend regarding a language arts assignment, and a plot bunny attacked….this is the crazy result. NOT TO BE TAKE SERIOUSLY, CRACKFIC**

**(And yes, dear readers and reviewers, I WILL update 'Darkness Falling'…I am working on chapter 7 right now.)**

It was a sunny day in Middle earth and birds were chirping; everything was lovely except for two angry voices coming from a hillside.

"Smeagol doesn't want to get smelly leaves!" hissed a thin voice.

"I'll boil Smeagol if he don't do as he's asked!" said another angry voice.

"Nasssty fat hobbit! Isn't nice to poor, poor Smeagol!"

"Just get going with it Gollum, I need those herbs now!"

Gollum lurched along, muttering various insults as he passed Sam Gamgee by. He pawed into a bush and wrenched up a bunch of 'smelly leaves' as he put it.

"We have the leaveessss, fat hobbit…Greeeehhhhhhhhh!" He accidently bashed against a spiky leaved plant with red berries. At that instant he flew upward.

Gollum fell onto something furry and hard. Hissing and cursing, he tumbled off and fell smack into a great bulk.

"Ho ho, what's this here?" came a great wheezing voice. A giant gloved hand snatched Gollum by what skin he had on his neck and lifted him up.

"Let us go, filthy fat…." The red and white robed figure flew into a rage.

"I can't help being slightly overweight you skinny little candy cane!"

"What's candy-cane…..preciouss? What's a cane, eh?" Gollum asked with an intrigued look.

Santa Claus continued his rant. "All those cookies and glasses of milk kids leave out for me when I come are just too tempting! Problem is now that I'm too fat to fit into those tiny chimneys! Last year I had to break a few windows, people were certainly not too pleased. I really do think I need to get into those workouts again, perhaps a bit of weightlifting?"

Gollum continued to squirm. "We doesn't understand what the stupid man is talking about! Let us go!"

Santa looked down at him with a critical look.

"Ho, I say…you're so thin that you could fit under an average door. I think I'll let you deliver the gifts this year!"

Gollum continued to stare blankly. Santa dragged him into a log cabin and began making preparations.

Santa rustled around in his big chest. "Now sir, we'll need old Tobby's costume, and some pointed ear bits? Oh no, your ears are pointy enough."

Santa shoved the suit into Gollum's arms. "Put that on, you are going to act as Tobby, my Elf…"

"Elveses?" Gollum shrieked. "Nasty tricky beings with so bright eyeses, no precious, we will not be one of them!"

Santa's beard bristled. "Listen, sir. You are going to do it or else."

"Or else what, eh, precious? What can the fat man do to uss?"

"This," snarled Santa, waving a giant arm, sending Gollum hurtling through the air again and landing with a thud on his sleigh.

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This was undoubtedly one of the worst days in Gollum's 500 year life. All dressed up in a poncy Elf suit, and sitting next to a fat old man, having no fish at all, not to mention that his precious was still lost… Suddenly the flying sled pulled to an abrupt halt above what appeared to be some sort of a house. Gollum, having not expected the halt, careened right into Rudolf the red nosed Reindeer.

"Now 'Tobby', you need to get out and drop down that chimney," instructed Santa, pulling Gollum back into the sled.

"Poor Smeagol must jump into the black pit? Mean, nasty, tricksy….Eerpppkk!

Santa's arm caught Gollum in the back and he went sailing into the dark fireplace. Santa watched from his sleigh in amusement, and then shoved a large bag of presents down the chimney. Hearing a crash and a startled hiss, Santa snickered and leaned back in the driver's seat.

"Well, Rudolf, old boy…this'll be the easiest Christmas delivery run ever."

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Daisy Thomas heard a crash coming from near her house's chimney. She jumped up and crashed on to her parents' bed.

"Mom, dad, Santa's here!" She squealed. Her mother looked up with a smile.

"Wonderful, did you remember to leave out the milk and cookies, dear? And what about the carrots for Rudolf and the other reindeer?"

"Yes mom! Can I go see Santa? Please?"

"Oh fine, I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Arthur, come on, we'll go see Santa too now."

Daisy's father rolled over. "Honestly Mildred, aren't you supposed to sleep at midnight? And I did think presents were supposed to be surprises."

Daisy's mother gave him a stern look. "Arthur come on! It's only once a year that Santa comes and I want to make a good impression."

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Gollum dragged the great sack of gifts down to a tree with odd decorations on it. He unceremoniously dumped the lot on the ground and prepared to leave, when suddenly a little girl and her parents burst into the room.

"Oh look mom, it's not Santa, and he must've sent one of his Elves to deliver the presents," said the little girl.

"We aren't Elveses…" Gollum spat, his eyes glowing with a nasty look. "The horrible fat man outside forced usss to work for him."

Daisy frowned. "You're not a nice Elf, Santa shouldn't have you work for him. But here," she walked over to the window and picked up a tray of cookies and milk.

"Since Santa's not here, you should eat these for him."

Gollum pawed towards the food and took a great bite of milk and cookie. He collapsed, writhing on the ground. "Ashes, dust, precious! We can't eat this, oh no we can't!"

"What can you eat?" asked Daisy.

"Give us fissssh, raw and wriggling….fresh, oh yes FRESH FISSSH!" Gollum's face contorted into delight.

"We don't have any raw fish, and that's a strange thing for an Elf…" Arthur commented.

"We are not ELVESES….Gollum!" His thin fingers twitched. Just then there came a shout from above.

"Ho, we got to go to the next house now, Tobby. Here, climb up the chimney now," said Santa. Gollum crawled out and sat back in the sled seat.

"We doesn't want to do any more! The fat man is not nice, poor Smeagol, he doesn't let us goooooo! He clawed spitefully at Santa who calmly shook him off.

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While Santa was busily singing an annoying song, Gollum sought for a way to escape.

"Nasty, wicked, tricksy false…We must be rid of him, oh yes preciouss," said Gollum.

"But how? We can't get away from him, he's too strong for us," whined Smeagol.

"If you are too weaksss, then I does it! I's the one who always helps us, Gollum, Gollum!"

"We must get back to nice master, nice Baggins, we promised…"

"We gets back to the nasty hobbitses so we can take IT back, it's ours!"

"We are so far away, how do we get back, even if we manage to escape the fat man?"

"We waits until the horrible flying thing stops, and then we jumps!"

"Smeagol touched horrible spiky leaves, and then we flew here!"

"Ah, my precious? Then we finds more leaveses and touches them, then we flies back to the precious."

"Very well then, let's do it."

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Santa's sleigh halted again next to another chimney. "Down you go, Elf," he said, giving Gollum another push.

"Now's our chance," hissed Gollum to Smeagol. "We must find the spiky leaves while the fat man is gone."

He hopped out of the chimney, just before the present bag crashed to the ground. Scanning the dark room with pale eyes, he jumped in delight. There was a spiky leaf on the windowsill. He made a grab toward it…

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Gollum landed with a crash next to the holly bush. He raced around and hissed.

"We're back! We did it, the fat man is gone!" He ran into the clearing in time to see Sam and Frodo eating some stew.

"You didn't get me the herbs, Gollum," said Sam. "What were you doing, sneaking about likely? You were gone a little too long for my liking."

Gollum grinned. "Yes, fat hobbit, we were sneaking. We touched a nasty spiky leaf, and we flew into an old fat man…and yes, precious we escaped, and came back to master."

"There was an old man in this forest?" asked Frodo.

"No, we think we went to another place, very strange, yes."

Sam shrugged. "If you ask me, Mr. Frodo, old Gollum's simply making an excuse for not getting me some herbs...not to mention running off."

Gollum growled. "Stinky leaves; we got rid of the fat man only to come back to a nasty fat hobbit."

Sam picked up his frypan and brandished it back and forth, looking utterly furious.

"Sam, leave him be," said Frodo. "Let him mind his own business."

"He's called me 'fat' one too many time, and I have a good mind to let him eat his words!"

Gollum stared at Sam lumbering towards him with his frypan.

"I think we need another way of escape, my precious."

The End

**A/N: Silly wasn't it? Please Review! **


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